Catch up

I was having a rough evening yesterday. As usual I started to numb it out by pulling up pictures of all my friends' weddings, their babies' pictures, and their political preferences. After a few minutes of Facebook I realized I was truly 100% bored.

It was then that I remembered...

I HAVE A BLOG! I'm better than this!

So instead of writing a post, I decided to read through all my old ones. I cringed occasionally at my writing in some... laughed out loud in others (because I had forgotten what I'd written and I found myself genuinely funny!), and introspective for most of them.

Who am I?

Am I the funny person that everyone loves being friends with because they know they'll always have a good laugh?

Am I a shoulder to cry on?

Am I inspiring to others?

To be truthful -- I have always said I use my humor and easy going style to bring others to Christ and to genuinely love people. But I've found that to be mostly lip service recently. I WANT people to like me. I want them to find me funny. I want people to say, "Amanda really helped me with ______." I want recognition.

I'm not sure when this switch was flipped, but the past week it's really been bothering me. Among other things. You know, like waking up at 4:45 AM. That's bothered me too.

There's a genuine part of me that wants to reach out to others in a deep way. To be a real part of their life and for them to be a real part of mine. But I'm wanting to refocus that to what it should be. I had a beautiful talk with one of my friends today where I poured out my heart and she didn't just brush it aside. That was then followed by another talk that was meaningful and uplifting to my soul with another friend. And I wanted them to love Jesus more as a result of our conversations. I didn't want to gain anything for myself in those moments.

I know this was a pretty heavy "HEY! Welcome back to reading my blog!" but I've been going through a lot of transitions lately. I've been learning how to forgive past hurts I didn't even know I was bitter about. God's been reaching out to my soul very actively and I'm wanting to respond to that.

So if I've ever given you advice... first of all, I hope it was good... and if it WAS good-- praise God. Really, take a moment right now and thank Him that He used me. I have no wisdom of my own. If it was terrible advice, I'm genuinely sorry about that. We can still be friends, just don't ask me for advice anymore. Deal?

I'll have a more happy update later, because it felt good to use this outlet again in expressing my thoughts and emotions.

Janelle,
You're welcome. ;)

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