Dips

This won't help you be stronger, but it may cheer you up! (I LOVE banana Splits!)

Not the kind you do for strengthening your triceps, the kind where it's an unexpected decrease in your momentum, mental stability, emotional wellness, or spiritual walk. Then again -- tricep dips are kind of a good analogy. We'll revisit this I'm sure.

I'm having one currently. I couldn't focus on what I was reading this morning, my mind was wandering, I wanted to just sleep the day away, and I didn't want to exert energy.

These dips used to come far more frequently, with more intensity, and for a longer duration than a few days. In 2011 my battle with depression became overwhelming. I would be in bed for 3-4 days and not do anything but call in sick and order food when I actually got hungry (maybe once a day). The worst mistake I made during this time was to not tell anyone. I kept it to myself and it just kept getting worse.

My experience with depression spans over several years. That's one of the reasons I kept myself so busy. If I was constantly working, moving, ministering, I wasn't alone with my thoughts and feelings enough to be depressed. Keep pushing, shove it under the rug, don't let it stop you.

While those things aren't inherently wrong to think -- they definitely hindered my ability to move on in my life with strength and mental power to overcome.

Back to that terrible mistake I made of keeping it all inside and thinking I could beat it on my own. What stopped me from telling anyone?

- Didn't want to be seen as weak (Pride)
- Was unsure if others would see me differently (Pride)
- Thought I knew all the answers and wouldn't really get help because I already knew what they were going to say (Pride)
- My family struggles with depression and I've always wanted to be better (Pride)
- Hated the idea of just verbalizing "I need help" (Pride... are you getting the picture?)
- Fear. Fear that no one could help me.

Well, I finally told someone. I told Heidi Bryant (Carpenter now) and she showed me so much love and so little judgment that it opened the doors to me thinking about the possibility of getting help. That was October of 2012.

I said nothing again until July of 2013. Change takes time. And pride doesn't go away very easily. lol.

The more I told others the easier it became to ask for help.

Met some Amazing People in this room. :) 

In 2014 I left my job at SOULS West and went to the HEALTH program at Weimar (mostly because I was too proud (surprise!) to go to the 10 day Depression Recovery Program). I also started talking to a Biblical Counselor every 2 weeks. Dealing with my belief systems about who I was and what I was worth took a lot of time, energy, and breaking down destructive thought patterns.

The last couple of years I've seen how I've hurt several people as a result of this struggle. Specifically, I've hurt my family by not letting them in and keeping them on the outside of my life. There were reasons for that, and I'm still working through them. I'm fully aware that my mom is reading this and will have plenty to say (whether she says it to me in private or for the world to see - I'd prefer you ask me away from the world wide web. Just communicating.) but I also hurt others.

This was an encouraging note he wrote me. Still the prettiest handwriting I've ever seen

I met a great guy in 2011 at the peak of all this struggle. Maybe you know and maybe you don't, but I was in a relationship with this guy for several months and I hurt him a lot with my destructive thinking. Of course the hurt went both ways, but I did a lot of the damage myself. The relationship could have ended well and we could have just gone our separate ways, but instead I turned him into a villain and blamed all of my struggles on him. It was convenient. I didn't have to own my problems, I could transfer the ownership to him.

Needless to say, I hurt a few people. And I still need to ask for forgiveness from some of them. They're different people now. I'm a different person now.

My amazing friend Polly

What's the point of sharing about my depression? I don't really know. I was thinking about it this morning.

I've made new friends too

See-- desserts make everyone smile!

First, I want you to know that really competent people that seem to not struggle with anything are human and have their struggles. I want you to ask for help if you need it. There really is no shame in it.

Second, I want you to know that God can USE you in your weakness! In fact, most of the lives I've been told I've touched were touched during the darkest times of my experience. God is bigger than your picture of Him is. He's totally able, willing, and wanting to help you, utilize you, and heal you.

Last, I want you to know I'm not fully immune to it even now. When I have a crazy week/month I still have dips. I'm recovering from 2 weddings and not being in my routine anymore. I talk about it with my roommate Tara and she helps me without judgment or condemnation.

However, just like when you start working your triceps -- initially it's slower, you can't do as many reps, you take longer to recover from the soreness -- but after exercising that muscle, it gets better. My dips are fewer and further between. I'm genuinely happy (no meds) and have more drive in life than I used to.

Dips. They end. There's always an "up" side to them. :) Also, counseling is amazing. Do it.