Making Sense of Loss

I'm just trying to make sense of all the thoughts and feelings going through my heart right now.

Monday late afternoon, Donny ran into the street in town and was hit by a car.

I wasn't prepared for something like this. I know he was just a dog, an animal, but he was the one thing I've taken care of and poured my love into. The furry guy that greeted me with so much love every single time I came home (no matter if only 5 minutes had passed since I'd left...).

My thoughts might be scrambled, but here they are:

I know I can't blame myself, but that's all I've been doing since he was hit. Why did I sleep in? Why couldn't I have gotten his food from Joe the night before and fed him in the morning like normal? Why did I feel like I needed to go to town right then? Why did I place my needs over the one I was taking care of? Why why why. Or What if? Or If only. These are things I'm starting to realize other people ask when they lose something. A job, a family member, a relationship, a pet, a dream... What if I had... If only this person hadn't... Why couldn't I... What was I thinking...

Then these little moments happen during the day.

I look around the floor and think, "Did Donny chew up anything today that I would be upset about?"

Marinna leaves her room and I automatically look for him to make sure he doesn't bark at her.

Planning my morning, I still factor in time to take him outside and feed him etc.

I also have absolutely no clue how to respond to people who find out.

"I heard about Donny. I'm so sorry."

What do you say back to that? "Yeah, me too. It's been a tough day."

Then they stand there because the conversation was obviously too short to be comfortable, and I feel like I have to tell them every detail.

Or the people who didn't know yet asking, "How is Donny!?"

"He got hit by a car." Sounds too blunt. Calloused. Like I'm talking about someone else's dog I didn't care about much. But "He passed away." sounds too human and peaceful compared to what actually happened.

How do you graciously go through something like this? Especially an animal. I don't think people realize how much he meant to me. Well, then again, maybe they did because I made it abundantly clear. But are people seeing my grief as trivial because, after all, he was just a pet...

How does someone appreciate with words the friends that don't judge you for being a mess one minute and laughing the next minute because you're not sure how to deal with loss?

Or the friends that stay up till the early hours of the morning willing to talk and distract you from your thoughts.

Or the friends that come into your room in the morning to make sure you get up, eat, and have a shoulder to lean on. (This is also due to my jet lag from India -- I'm not quite this despondent. Just thought I'd clarify)

Another question I had was, "How am I supposed to tell everyone?" A Facebook post seemed like a general announcement to everyone who may not care and the ones that would care would be sad I didn't just tell them. But then, how do you go through everyone you think would care and tell them one by one what happened and relive it that many times. Then, you start thinking, "Wow, do they even care? Am I bothering them with this news that has ripped my heart out? Are they just being polite?"

So I didn't tell anyone. I had Kristal tell people as much as possible. But then there's my family, my close friends that Kristal doesn't know...

I wasn't ready for all the thoughts that flooded my mind as soon as they told me he didn't make it. I started organizing his stuff in my head and trying to figure out who needed dog things, because I didn't need them anymore. I thought (of all things) of how much money I was going to save on grooming. I thought of how his hair was never going to grow back and it was my fault he died uglier than when I got him. It's really strange the things that came into my mind. Funny things came to mind but then I'd feel guilty for laughing.

To wrap up this cry fest -- I definitely know that with time it will get easier. But the all prevailing thought that kept coming into my mind was, "How do people who don't know Jesus as their personal friend deal with stuff like this?"

I may have so many things running through my mind and confusion on how to healthfully deal with this but the real comfort is knowing that He knows when a sparrow falls. He knows the number of hairs on my head. He cares about the things that hurt me. He loves animals even more than I do because He made them. In a perfect world, there would be none of this. We weren't made with hearts that know how to say "Goodbye" so it's hard when we have to.

I keep thinking about that first lamb that had to die in Genesis. Adam and Eve had to watch as the life slowly left that precious creature and they felt the full weight of what sin does. Before yesterday, I thought I could understand that type of pain a little. Now, when I think of what sin does, it hurts so much more. What are we doing to Christ as we sin? How much does it really affect us when we cause His suffering? What are we doing to end this world of sin? How much are we focused on today and tomorrow and what will make us happy verses what we are doing to finish our task of taking the gospel to the world?

Is this where it's appropriate to say something like, "In lieu of flowers, please share Jesus with someone and how much this world is not our Home?" Not that you were thinking of sending flowers. But one girl did stop by and give me a flower and a hug. Took time out of her day to care for someone that was hurting. Let's be more like that with people in our lives that may not be as open about how much they're hurting.