Some Recent Ponderings/Epiphanies
It's been a while and I thought about posting this on Facebook. But then I remembered that Facebook is the actual worst.
There have been many years (I hate to use the word "decades" because I refuse to think I've aged so much...) that I have had an image of who I am internally. Some words that come to mind are:
- fake
- lazy
- scared
- quitter
- unloveable
- actress/entertainer
- liar
- tries too hard to be funny
But when others have described me, it was really jarring to realize that the words they used were often ones that were the direct opposite of how I tend to view myself:
- real
- hard-working
- fearless
- tenacious
- loving/loveable
- actress/entertainer (hmmm)
- honest
- funny
Why is there such a dissonance between how I see me and how others see me? Who is actually right?
Me, obviously.
"You're such a hard worker!" - many people
"Because I crave your approval and acceptance and don't want you to ever know that I'm actually really lazy." - internal me
"Thank you for being such a real person." - friends
"Thank you for not seeing/ignoring how fake I really am." - internal me
I am convinced that no one really KNOWS me. They think I'm funny when I think my humor was something I perfected so that I wasn't bullied in grade school. They think I'm so honest when I feel like I'm lying by just existing and letting everyone believe I am who I'm not.
Then, last week, I broke up with my therapist. It wasn't me, it was her. I mean, I was the one who ended it, and she was the problem. That's beside the point. The point is that I broke up with my therapist and the next day a good friend walked into my office and said the four words that she didn't realize would keep her there for much longer than she had planned.
"How have you been?" She asked sweetly and with a smile. Neither of us knew that those words would be the catalyst to an epiphany that has changed my life.
After telling her about the conundrum that I've described above, I summed it up with, "I guess I don't even know who I really am. I can see how others see those parts of me but I only see them as coping mechanisms I developed from abuse and bullying and dealing with life."
"What makes anybody anybody?" A very therapist-y question. I got more out of this question than I did in 6 sessions with the therapist I broke up with.
She helped me to realize that I had countless options of how to react to the punches life threw at me.
I could have chosen violence, but I chose humor.
I could have chosen to shrivel up and be an empty shell and never amount to anything and never develop any friendships. But I chose to move all over the country and travel the world to broaden my experience and to develop relationships.
I could have chosen to be very secretive about my life and childhood and healing process but I chose to be open and share aspects of my life with complete strangers in hopes that they, too, would find some sort of help in my words and experience.
I could have chosen to be lazy and live completely supported by various systems and family, but I chose to be independent and to only ask for help with I really needed it.
I was wrong.
And everyone else was right.
For once in my life, I stopped trying to live in a way that convinced others that I WASN'T those things I thought I was -- and I started living in a way that showed that I ALSO believe that I am what they see me as. (That was confusing, so read it again if you need to.)
The TRUTH is...
When life was hard, I didn't give up. I worked harder.
When relationships and friendships were scary and vulnerable, I jumped in head first.
When relationships turned sour and bad, I went through the process of trying to reconcile and eventually made decisions to not have toxic people in my life. And to accept that there are those who don't want me in theirs.
When I was overwhelmed and uncertain and scared, I turned to God and spirituality because I valued it and always will.
For once, I believe that I am not a shell of a human from my trauma. My trauma just revealed who I really am and others could see it all along. So who do I believe I am now? I am a force to be reckoned with.
There have been many years (I hate to use the word "decades" because I refuse to think I've aged so much...) that I have had an image of who I am internally. Some words that come to mind are:
- fake
- lazy
- scared
- quitter
- unloveable
- actress/entertainer
- liar
- tries too hard to be funny
But when others have described me, it was really jarring to realize that the words they used were often ones that were the direct opposite of how I tend to view myself:
- real
- hard-working
- fearless
- tenacious
- loving/loveable
- actress/entertainer (hmmm)
- honest
- funny
Why is there such a dissonance between how I see me and how others see me? Who is actually right?
Me, obviously.
"You're such a hard worker!" - many people
"Because I crave your approval and acceptance and don't want you to ever know that I'm actually really lazy." - internal me
"Thank you for being such a real person." - friends
"Thank you for not seeing/ignoring how fake I really am." - internal me
I am convinced that no one really KNOWS me. They think I'm funny when I think my humor was something I perfected so that I wasn't bullied in grade school. They think I'm so honest when I feel like I'm lying by just existing and letting everyone believe I am who I'm not.
Then, last week, I broke up with my therapist. It wasn't me, it was her. I mean, I was the one who ended it, and she was the problem. That's beside the point. The point is that I broke up with my therapist and the next day a good friend walked into my office and said the four words that she didn't realize would keep her there for much longer than she had planned.
"How have you been?" She asked sweetly and with a smile. Neither of us knew that those words would be the catalyst to an epiphany that has changed my life.
After telling her about the conundrum that I've described above, I summed it up with, "I guess I don't even know who I really am. I can see how others see those parts of me but I only see them as coping mechanisms I developed from abuse and bullying and dealing with life."
"What makes anybody anybody?" A very therapist-y question. I got more out of this question than I did in 6 sessions with the therapist I broke up with.
She helped me to realize that I had countless options of how to react to the punches life threw at me.
I could have chosen violence, but I chose humor.
I could have chosen to shrivel up and be an empty shell and never amount to anything and never develop any friendships. But I chose to move all over the country and travel the world to broaden my experience and to develop relationships.
I could have chosen to be very secretive about my life and childhood and healing process but I chose to be open and share aspects of my life with complete strangers in hopes that they, too, would find some sort of help in my words and experience.
I could have chosen to be lazy and live completely supported by various systems and family, but I chose to be independent and to only ask for help with I really needed it.
I was wrong.
And everyone else was right.
For once in my life, I stopped trying to live in a way that convinced others that I WASN'T those things I thought I was -- and I started living in a way that showed that I ALSO believe that I am what they see me as. (That was confusing, so read it again if you need to.)
The TRUTH is...
When life was hard, I didn't give up. I worked harder.
When relationships and friendships were scary and vulnerable, I jumped in head first.
When relationships turned sour and bad, I went through the process of trying to reconcile and eventually made decisions to not have toxic people in my life. And to accept that there are those who don't want me in theirs.
When I was overwhelmed and uncertain and scared, I turned to God and spirituality because I valued it and always will.
For once, I believe that I am not a shell of a human from my trauma. My trauma just revealed who I really am and others could see it all along. So who do I believe I am now? I am a force to be reckoned with.
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